He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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