saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
