I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
