You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
