Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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