I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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