Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize