I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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