I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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