I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
