Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I cut my penus on the lid.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
