Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
