you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
