I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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