i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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