I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
