you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
