This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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