even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
