I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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