im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
