Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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