he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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