How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
