just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
