either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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