Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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