haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
farters have to be the big spoon...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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