Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
