Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
