party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
