I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
