Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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