hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
