sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
