My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
