So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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