my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
