My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
