Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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