So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I cockslap morals
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
When did angry sex become our thing?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
