It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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