i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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