Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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