My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
