There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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