My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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