Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize