I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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