my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
