he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
