My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
