While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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