two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Enjoy the penises
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
