How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I need to wash the frat house off of me
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
