I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
