When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize