The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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