I can't breathe out the right side of my face
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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