dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
