made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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