How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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